Okay, this is literally the first time in such a long time that I’m sitting down to come up with something to write about. Staring down a blank page knowing you have a lot of emotions stuck in the ether of your ever talkative mind, and watching it stare back at you–it feels like home in a way. The familiar intimidation feels like saying hi to your younger self and her checking you out and going like ‘sup bitch.
Life may be different, we’re both in different states now with different dreams, different struggles, and different tastes in fashion, music and men, but some things, some feelings, they stay the same. When you’re finally in alignment, it just feels so easy, so right. Like a fish just swimming in its natural habitat, nothing forced, nothing too grandiosely aspirational, just swimming casually like it’s supposed to.
That’s the kind of relationship I have with writing. It has always been in my DNA and even though I turned my back on the romanticizing aspect of it because maybe I was trying to figure myself out, or I just flat out decided writing in itself won’t fill my belly and I needed to tighten my straps and actually choose a profession like a proper responsible adult, I’m back like okaeri motherfucker.
The first time I ever wrote a diary was obviously in my early teens when I thought I needed to document my oh so precious life during the spring time of my youth lol. And I kid you not. My diaries were so detailed right down to what I ate for breakfast and what cartoon I was watching during a lazy Saturday afternoon. It’s not oatmeals and Mr. Beans. But also y’know, it was a time when I was starting to have feelings for stupid boys, and I felt like “Shit, this is how romance novels get documented” or maybe more like I wanted to immortalize certain events in my life that I might soon regret and someday cringe about. I don’t even know why people kept diaries. But it felt nice writing about this one time where I literally had a 3-second eye to eye moment with this cute guy in the elevator–
Pause. I wanted to elaborate and describe the moment as poetically as possible but I’m writing this in my 30s and I’m already cringing hard. Damn, I was a hardcore romantic.
You’re probably gonna read about me rehashing some of these moments in future blogs. I am a Gemini woman after all, and I have an entire forest of interesting stories.
HOW I STARTED MY FIRST BLOG
and why I deleted it
I was 19 and just finished taking my nursing licensure exam. The results won’t be up until maybe 2 or 3 months later. Some of my classmates took up volunteer nursing jobs like suckers lol (I’m sorry but it’s really what you do to get experience points when you’re a fresh graduate) I was like, hell naw. I wanted money. I wanted the feeling of being a working woman and actually getting paid. So while some hospitals may not entertain applications from a nurse, no–nursing student, that is still awaiting the results of her licensure exam, and for obvious legal reasons, the freelancing world is just there, open for everybody who has a decent computer and internet connection.
And just a quick sidetrack, this is why I could easily brag to my friends who realized working from home during covid was a thing. Bitch, I’ve been doing it since 2011 lol
Anyway, it wasn’t easy. I always thought my associate editor stint in my old high school publication would get me anywhere. But I had my fair share of getting duped by scammy freelance ‘jobs’ that required me to write 10 500-word SEO-optimized blog posts per day, FOR A FUCKING DOLLAR PER POST, BEFORE TAX!! Sheesh, and chatgpt wasn’t even invented yet so I was really bending over backwards for baloney.
But I was grateful for the awful experience. I learned about WordPress, SEO, Google keywords, and the random bits and pieces of information that I had to research–from jazz musicians and classical art pieces to floor tiles and apparently, the top 10 vacuum cleaners you can purchase under $100. Along the way, I came across these so-called personal blogs where literally people wrote about what they would have written in their diaries, but like out there for other people to read. That was mindblowing to me at that time. I was astonished with the boldness my mind went Wow, shameless = brave = could be me. And the more I read their blog posts, the more I contemplated: WWCBD (what would Carrie Bradshaw do)
Hell yeah. I went for it.
At that time where I still had the luxury of living inside my parents’ house and having food without having to pay for anything, I hurriedly opened a blogpost account (not knowing the first thing about setting up a blog). There weren’t a ton of Youtube tutorials back then so it was a bit of a struggle too. I taught myself Photoshop so I could design my logo (and sorry I’m not telling anyone my blog name coz some planet of babies might explode somewhere). Website development back then had no drag and drop features so I had to teach myself a bit of coding as well.
A wise man once said: “When you’re forcing yourself to learn HTML and CSS just to add a friggin widget to personalize your blog, you know you’re in it for the long run”.
First blog post I wrote about was a dream I had that involved a certain guy. Don’t judge. It’s not a dirty dream. However, I was in my Tina Belcher phase where it’s boys, boys, boys all the friggin’ time, and this time it was someone I knew. I never really paid attention to this person until I had that dream and I suddenly can’t help but look at him differently. And I documented this entire affair in my blog. Story for another time *wink.
It wasn’t long til I had a boyfriend at that time too so, yeah I also had a bunch of cringey lovey dovey posts that stretched forever. I was young, shut up. I also remember posting about movie reviews, some art features and The Pretty Reckless. I was so obsessed with that band. Still am.
Not too long after I started hanging out with other local bloggers. To say I was intimidated was an understatement. I was literally just blogging to write. These people, no–these titans, were writing to monetize. These were your beauty, tech and fashion bloggers. The ones that get invited to store openings. The ones that get brand deals. Some of them even modelled for my brother in SoFa.
I felt like that started it for me.
I passed the NLE and got my license but I simply shoved it to the side. It was a time when the Philippines had this nursing boom and it’s either you have a political backer or you literally had to pay hospitals for “training” and then hope they call you back. It was bullshit. But thank God for oDesk. Not sure any of you guys are familiar with the platform but it predated Upwork and all the work from home platforms we have now. I was still doing research and writing on the side. Later on I started taking on what we now call virtual assistant jobs. It was decent pay. Not stable, not enough to pay rent but just enough to sustain my newfound lifestyle.
The way blogging opened doors–I started getting invited to events, receiving freebies and feeling like a micro celebrity–I started craving an audience more than just expressing myself in writing. I started drafting a content calendar and got a bit obsessed with what I’m going to post on IG. I started hanging out with the rich kids, going to parties and waking up with a hangover. It was the Tiktok Kesha lifestyle before actual Tiktok. I still didn’t have a stable job but I’m enjoying life in my early twenties.
Then it got to a point where it became depressing.
I realized “I’ll never be like those bloggers.” I started having these intrusive thoughts halfway while I was vomiting hard after a sponsored Binondo food trip. It was a FREE tour where I had to sample food from 10 different restaurants while a tourguide talks about the history of Binondo. Sounded fun at the start, and it was my first time in Binondo so I was naturally excited, but on the 6th restaurant I was already regretting it. Lumpiang shanghai, dumplings and pansit in every fucking restaurant felt like a creeping tumor in my belly. Nevertheless, I stood strong. I braved the entire free tour, and kept my shit together the entire grab ride back home. But as the pork sweat set in and I was hurling by the toilet, I was like “What am I doing with my life?” Camille Co and Kryz Uy would never stoop this low and they wouldn’t need to. They’re actual rich kids who can afford this lifestyle. I was just cosplaying as one, and failing horribly. Seeing myself as a desperate wannabe, I stopped blogging coldturkey.
After turning 23, I realized I’m a licensed nurse now and I needed to at least start working in a hospital. It didn’t matter if I only got P8,000.00 as monthly pay. It didn’t matter if I attended to over 20 patients per shift and took on extra shifts because another nurse decided to get sick. This was the ugly part of adulting that I had to experience. Working in a public hospital was the most exhausting era in my life. I felt like I aged 10 years. But honestly, what was different from the wannabe blogger lifestyle was the newfound sense of purpose.
I guess this is what growing up does–life suddenly requires you to focus more on how to survive over how to enjoy life. I needed to get my shit together career-wise. Suddenly, being a “freelancer” and being “between jobs” wasn’t sexy anymore. But because I was always tired coming home from work, I never really had time to write. Plus I had to break an engagement so I really had to burn down my old blog. Another story for another time *wink.
GETTING INTO THE VTUBING COMMUNITY
and how it ultimately sparked joy
I am now a 30-something corporate girly who trains nurses in the US Healthcare clinical appeals process. And I do love my job in all honesty. I wouldn’t trade it for my side hustles. If my sense of purpose and financial security could get along well without me having to wake up early and brave the every day pollution and traffic of Manila, I guess you could say I’m living the dream. And I believe I’m at that stage in my life where I can pursue my creative interests without the guilt factor.
Back in 2021, (sheesh I didn’t notice it was that long already) I started to create my first vtuber and tried to stream. Everything was free so it wasn’t easy. There was a ton to learn and DIY. Creating my own vtuber was technically playing dress up as an adult, just with a different tech and some resourcefulness. I spent months trying to figure out what kind of aesthetic I wanted to go as, what kind of vtuber Gupsy is.
Of course, I am a workaholic person so it makes sense to be a robot lol
Branding was also a thing that needed time to navigate. I got to play around and utilize some of my graphic design skills to create my banner, my scenes and vtuber schedules. Also I needed to figure out Twitch and OBS and VseeFace and many more. It is a lot of overthinking and plot twist, a few months after I got everything up and running and I was streaming and all, my pc broke down and I had to reformat. I lost all my files and technically I had to start again. But it was fun nonetheless.
I initially just wanted to document the games I played. I had no idea there was this entire world of vtubers and even though I’m just a mushroom with no agency or affiliation, I definitely felt the warm welcome. It didn’t matter that I was already in my 30s and most vtubers were in their early 20s. Technically, in the world of vtubers, your irl is not important. You could be a babiniku and you’ll still be called and acknowledged as whoever your vtuber persona is. As long as you’re not being weird about it, of course. The kind and welcoming vtuber community suddenly bares its teeth and turns brutal when you’re found out to be a piece of shit groomer or lolicon, as it should. I love that the community protects its people.
There was still a bit of intimidation though because as with every other community, there are again the rich kids who can afford the coolest vtubers and have everything customized. Think over 100K thrown for a fancy fully rigged L2D vtuber with custom starting and ending scene, plus art commissions for twitch labels and emotes. It piles up.
I believe I was meant to stumble upon this world at an age where I wasn’t a bitter pill for things anymore. This was one thing I learned later on in life: “You can’t keep keeping up with other people.” Everyone is dealt a different card and you need to use and be at peace with what you’re given. At this time, I was already a stable income earner and I acknowledge that vtubing is only a side hobby for me so it was my prerogative to not spend a lot of money on it. For other people, it’s either their day job or their main income earner, or it’s something they’re really passionate about. And a lot of them are part of vtuber corporations so I’m not gonna judge on where they spend their money as long as 1. It’s their money and 2. They’re happy and 3. They make other people happy. Oh, and they’re not scamming anybody.
I also got to meet a ton of creative people who were not only Twitch streamers, but are also artists and creative entrepreneurs. This was when I started working through my other dream of baking.
I always wanted to be a baker and I wonder why I never really pursued it in the past. I overthought and overplanned things I guess. And it took the covid pandemic hit to realize that home-baking could be a thing. Soon I opened my Gupsy Bites shop where I sold cookies and managed merch during conventions. I also wanted to mention Alex, the creator behind Good Knight: Bullet Hell was one of the most amazing people I’ve met and have introduced me to the community. It was such a high being in this community. I really got to get in touch with my creative side. My once parasocial friendships trespassed into my reality and into my heart, and I felt like I finally met my tribe.
I also have a rough draft of Gupsy’s lore but I’m planning to expand it. That is another reason why I’m suddenly feeling the urge to blog.
I wanted to fall in love with writing again so I could write her story properly.
WHY I SUDDENLY STOPPED STREAMING
and the major life re-directions that influenced it
To be honest, I would say I’m not really cut out to be a Twitch streamer. Like that awful realization post-Binondo food trip, I was again feeling like a fish out of water.
First, it was the pregnancy and the NCLEX. What an odd combo, right?
Like receiving a once in a lifetime divine power up, December of 2022 I realized I was 3 months pregnant and with it came the opportunity to pursue my USRN license. I found this company that sponsored everything, gave me a monthly stipend while reviewing and I had a job earmarked for me as soon as I passed. Looking at this in hindsight, this was my Moses moment where the seas parted and I was led to where I’m supposed to be. I have cried and prayed for this for years and when it finally came, I simple had to drop everything and try my very best. Like this is it. I’m actually still crying while writing this. It was one of the moments that envigorated my faith. I was super locked in.
The review period lasted for 4 months and then there was the waiting for an available slot at our local Pearson, which is literally just one office in the entire Luzon. This time, I really planned everything. I already booked an Airbnb 2 days ahead my exam day and I made sure all my requirements are set. There’s no second chances or plan B’s, this was my one take. However by the first week of July, I was on my 8th month, I took an ultrasound and saw that my baby had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice. It’s called a double cord coil and was fatally dangerous.
I was confused and dumbfounded. Somehow this plot twist felt familiar. Like God, what the heck?
For context, initially I was planning to take the exam before I give birth. I already booked an exam date and I’m not sure I could reschedule. The last time I did this, (story for another time, and yes there was another life-changing event involved) I was marked as a no-show and I needed to pay half the fees to retake, so I ended up not trying again for like 5 years. I was reliving that same horror.
Due to the severity of the situation, I might give birth and then take the exam after. And I was scared. Financial-wise I’m sure the company will shoulder it, or like charge me after. I don’t know. I was still mentally rehearsing how I was going to break it to my manager. But there was another level of fear that came with this: What’s going to happen to my brain? All the things I reviewed, my momentum, those might all go down the drain after I give birth. This might sound like an overreaction but I’ve read about mothers losing cognitive shit after giving birth.
I was literally crying as I watched April Kepner get herself sliced in Grey’s Anatomy (IYKYK). I had dopplers on my belly and my little Gupsy was still twirling around oblivious to the cords around her neck. Btw, it’s also hard to cry when you have a full belly, and a boulder-full of hormones. It’s like I was extra careful not to induce my own contractions. I was at a stand still. I couldn’t even cry properly. Finally, I took a breath and called my OB and informed my mother. I was going to have the elective cesarean surgery. Maybe God was asking me what my priority was and I chose my daughter.
And you know what, I didn’t actually book my exam schedule.
Yes, I know.
Shivers.
Plot twist on plot twist.
The surgery was going to be on the weekend and I might not be able to report by Monday so I called my manager and told him that I needed to have the elective surgery. I was ready to apologize that I needed to reschedule when he was like, “What do you mean you already booked your exam date? Hindi ata ako informed.” So I opened my Pearson and looked around. Like what the heck? There’s no scheduled date. I was super sure I already booked a date. Is this pregnancy brain? Did I just dream about booking a date? Or was I suddenly sucked into another dimension where I actually didn’t book the date? I was on some serious Mandala effect.
It was probably a test of faith. And when I chose my daughter, the answer was revealed.
I was still on the call when I started crying and my manager was laughing at me, reassuring me that it was gonna be fine. I needed to chill and trust. Like maybe I was just nervous so I thought I already booked my date. I didn’t want to argue. I was sure as the Pope is catholic. But whatever. The baby is going to be fine. I’m going to take my NCLEX after and I’m going to get my license. I’m going to be a USRN and live the dream of working from home.
Trust, and everything happened smooth as butter.
I delivered a healthy baby girl and soon enough got my USRN license. And now I’m writing this blog with the kind of financial security that started from this major life detour. It’s like the Lord said, “The platform for creativity will be there. Your friends will still be there. I gotchu boo. Trust.”
WHAT’S NEXT FOR GUPSYBITES
💜On Streaming and Content Creation
After getting my license and working corporate, I tried to dip my toe back into vtubing. But it’s as if things have changed. I have changed.
I was staring at my OBS and all the apps I needed to fix before I click on Start Streaming and I was a little overwhelmed. Do I need all this shit? Is there a way to make all these simple? I just wanted to play, have fun, maybe meet new people and start new conversations. Why does it suddenly feel like a chore? Why is VseeFace freezing again? Why is my audio breaking and why is this channel point redeem not working again? Is it worth it anymore?
I wish I could just keep it simple. But I’m Gupsy. Simple is boring for me.
Also I noticed my social battery was getting drained faster.
I guess you could say this comes with aging but I found myself always getting socially drained that for a certain period I would just stop streaming. There were times when I felt compelled to talk to people who were talking about themselves too much when really, I just wanted some peace to play my game. In fact there was this specific moment when I cheekily unplugged my internet so I’d have a valid excuse to disconnect, because I didn’t have a lot of viewers and this one person won’t stop yapping in my chat haha
I felt really guilty about this so I’ve just been mulling over these contrasting thoughts and feelings about how I’m going to handle people without extinguishing too much social battery during my live streams. I kept taking a break and going back and taking another break. It was exhausting, really. I kept doing that until it stopped being entertaining for me altogether–the typical vtuber banters, the drive to build a community, the why I even wanted to bother in the first place. I swear I was in a different realm of sad. Like a part of me died and I didn’t know how to mourn it properly.
After some much needed soul-searching, I decided not to overthink streaming. I figured out that the thing that was draining me about streaming is I try to do a bit too much and the pay off isn’t much. I still love the craft and I still love the people. I just have to simplify things on my end.
So late last August 2025, I bought me a Suiika model and have been using it consistently during my streams. Yes, I’ve crossed over to the other side and have since been learning about 2D models. I still couldn’t afford my own personal model+rig, but this will do. After all, I’ve kind of shifted my thinking that my vtubing career has more to do with the model, but really at the end of the day, it has more to do with just me showing up. I’ve also technically started from scratch on my setup. I mean I had to, on account of upgrading my pc, coz technically although I did back up properly, reopening apps without any modifications was kind of a breath of fresh air. Clean slate. I built up my OBS scenes again and have also optimized the mixitup commands. I decluttered a lot of redeems, timers and have simplified into a few but more meaningful ones.
I was back into it. Fuck yeah.
On top of streaming, I also started a Tiktok account, well…two Tiktok accounts (yeesh!) and have been uploading content there. I’m still navigating the content creation ecosystem, still checking out growth strategies and learning algorithms here and there, but still under the premise of half-assing it. Consistency wasn’t really my strong suit, and I’ve tortured myself about this in the past. I’m cool about it now, I think. Creating on my own pace feels liberating and I’m for it. Although there are still days where I’m over-working chasing self-mandated deadlines, I’ve sort of made peace with the fact that streaming and content creation aren’t really my main money-maker, and for the love of my own sanity, I don’t have to try so hard.
💜On Shifting My Focus on Blogging
First of all, I don’t think blogging has died. The allure of blogging simply shifted towards an audience who aren’t chasing dopamine-fueled content. And while I’m still getting the hang of browsing and curating my Tiktok feed, I wanted to create space for the slow days when I need to force myself to “rest”. And blogging is exactly that.
I think it was summer of last year where I stumbled upon the wonderful world of Substack where I felt like I was accidentally stepping into Atlantis. It’s where my people are at–neurospicy overthinkers, life ponderers and witty blabbers. I consumed and digested essay after essay and rekindled my love for “slowing down to think”, and of course, writing in general. If Carrie Bradshaw existed in this day and age, she’d be smoking and dumping thoughts in this space, and I’d be eating it all up.
So yeah, this is me starting a blog in 2026.
The internet today rewards immediacy: quick takes, endless scrolling, dopamine on demand. In a world built on speed, blogging feels almost rebellious. I don’t know why but I really find that sexy. I am retiring back to my first love, my cozy little corner, where I can share bits of myself without the fear of missing out on possibly too much (lol) social interaction. This way, I’ll be able to post game reviews, write personal essays and enjoy the process of content creation without the obligatory feel to it. It’s going to be jomo. I’ll stream when I feel like it and I can play my game offline when I’m not in the mood. But I’ll always have time to write about it. And this would be something I can gloat about when I meet my younger self in our scheduled cognitive meeting later today. Hey, life happened, but I’m still writing about it. I may be a bit rusty but I’m still having fun, and that’s the point.
I decided to stick with the brand Gupsy Bites because I feel like it’s not limited to cookies. It’s a quirky way to describe how this blog will include bits and pieces of Gupsy. Like, I’m an actual cookie and every post is a bite–I don’t know haha I was just winging it, honestly. The domain name was available, I snagged it quickly and then planned what I was going to do with it later. Then I got the hang of creating my website from the ground up, and the rest is history.
If you’re still here reading this, and I’m not assuming a whole lot would actually read up to this point, then I would like to formally welcome you to my blog. Cheers!
